What Keeps Us Up at Night

Yesterday, at the planning meeting, my mom asked Eric and me, "What keeps you up at night? What do you worry about." Of course, two main things are the source of Eric's concerns right now: our family making it financially as he is no longer working, and his condition worsening and not being able to walk or use his muscles.
For me, it is now 5:00 am, and I woke just after 4:00 unable to get back to sleep... perhaps a dream woke me up, then a thought crossed my mind (or two or three), then it spun into some questions... lots of questions... then I started to go inward and seek "answers" intuitively, but my mind was tired and the seeking felt futile... or maybe it was simple the full moon?

So here are the spinnings that keep me awake: the HOW'S. How do we get through this? How can I organize everything to bring ease? How can I make my business grow to fully support our family? How can I reach more people and offer something people want and be fully seen for my work? How can we survive until things turn around? HOW CAN I DO MORE?

And that's where I get completely overwhelmed.

I simply don't know IF I can do any MORE.

Many years ago, when Eric and I separated (for six long and difficult years), I often was told, "You're so strong." I said this then, and I'll say it again, "I don't WANT to be strong."

Our lives - with all the amazing support of our community then and now, with the incredible hearts and endurance of our children, with the big love shared in our household - have been notably challenging as a family.

I truly believe that at the heart of Eric's dis-ease is just that: DIS-EASE. Our family has not had much ease in our lives, truly, and it is utterly exhausting.

What's interesting about ALS, and why he is losing so much weight, is that his muscles, his whole body IS ALWAYS WORKING... and working very hard, as Eric always had. He felt like he could never stop. I can't stop. There is rarely time to REST.

One of the fundamental pieces that has affected us is affording to live... afford our rent, afford gas, car expenses (not payments), groceries, and just making ends meet. The LAST thing our family could afford is for ANY of us to get sick, let alone our major bread-winner.

So, the "solutions" I wanted to reveal yesterday were primarily focused around these questions:
- Where can we live that can reduce our rent to a fraction of our costs (either free or ridiculously cheap) that is MOLD FREE, allows a dog and cat, and is closer to resources?
- What can I do to create residual income doing what I do (as an intuitive/spiritual teacher) and how do I get "out there" and get marketed?
- How can we fundraise and/or earn the treatments that Eric needs in order to REVERSE his symptoms, moving from at state of dis-ease to ease?
- How can all of what is on our plates flow together and work out logistically, day to day, month to month? (i.e., Can we find a practitioner who can offer the best IV treatments to Eric without having to travel to the Bay Area?)

Ideas were flowing, and several participants left with a to do list for us, which not only brings more EASE, but fills our hearts with gratitude.

And these questions are still spinning.

When I led my weekly meditation yesterday morning - independent of the planning meeting - I created a visualization of traveling to the full moon to connect with whatever she offers and bring it back to Earth, with a gift or message. What I heard/received in this meditative journey was "Potentiality."
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The interesting thing about potentiality is that it is open, full of possibilities and power, yet we may not have any idea of what's to be revealed.